She hated sleeping. Every time Lexa closed her eyes, she could see him walking into the building. Dante and Kei strode into the last building of her bastard of an uncle’s mountain hideaway, whispering among each other, laughing at some joke she couldn’t hear. She tried to say something, she wasn’t sure what; maybe a warning, to tell them not to go in, but nothing came out. No sound would come out, though she tried, she tried so hard, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
Her husband and her friend faded into blackness of the entrance. She moved to run, but it felt like time was stretching out, like the special effect from that one movie everyone had to rip off now on TV. Kei came flying back out of the building just a second ahead of the blast. He threw her; he heard the beep of the detonator and threw with every last ounce of his prodigious strength
The building erupted outward. It was like no Hollywood explosion. The entire black edifice shattered as if by an invisible hand. The flame and smoke came moments later, almost as if it were an afterthought. Time reformed and she tried to reach the crater that hollowed out the place where he last stood, laughing and smiling. The thing that wore her mother’s face tried to stop her, but couldn’t hold her. Alex managed to pull her back, but only after the residual heat began to scorch her just trying to approach.
She woke up back at her rather spacious, if not outright palatial, home in Seattle. They had all combined their respective wealth and bought the largest, most luxurious place they could find, to hold their extended family. She made her wish a reality, and brought them all together under one roof. Not only herself and her husband and their newborn daughter, but Dawn and Matt with their child, and even Alex and Jack caved into her badgering and accept communal living.
Now it was a ghost house, and not just because of Dante’s passing. Alex fled as he always did, probably to his club, or maybe to another country. What did she care? All he did was run and plan and ultimately do nothing. Matt left the day after their return. She should have felt guilty about it. She asked him, “Why didn’t you see this?” What good were his vaunted psychic powers? When had they ever actually saved a life or given them anything useful in time to do any good?
It wasn’t his fault; he had no control over it. She hadn’t met to hurt him, but she wanted to understand. Shouldn’t he have had some warning? Didn’t Dante matter? He was a champion, like her. He fought the good fight. Heroes didn’t die in a booby trap. Who could be so unimportant? He was the man who could make her smile just by walking into the room, the man who took the emotionally shattered young woman she had been and led her back into the world didn’t deserve to die like that…
On the second day, she took the Scythe and laid it on Kei’s bed. She didn’t know where she was; she hadn’t seen her since the explosion, but somehow she didn’t care. She didn’t want to be a Slayer anymore. The world was full of them. She had a daughter now, a single mother. She had lost both her parents when she was young and was raised by a private school and a distant uncle. She wouldn’t let the same happen to Jessica. She’d stay with her and be the mother she had lost so long ago. If this was how the Powers treated their champions, then they could go find a new one.
Dante’s mother, Tamara came over and tried to comfort her. She was so soft and kind and gentle, everything her mother used to be. The dead thing that looked like her mother wasn’t her mother. Whatever magics had brought the two women back from the accident that killed them had restored Tamara to full life, but had left her mother in some kind of heartless, cold undead state of a kind never seen before. She may fight the good fight and save the world, but it wasn’t her mother. Her mother died over 10 years ago, no matter what spells had been wrought to bring her back.
In a fit of tears and pain, she poured her soul out to this strange woman, the only connection being the fact that they had both loved Dante Pearce. It was cathartic in a way. Dawn was hurting too, but she was still able to function. Why shouldn’t she? She had Matt. The two had actually fallen in love and gotten married, with a little urging from Lexa, of course. Their three-way affair had never really ended, and had in fact, expanded, but at the end of the day, Dante was the one she wanted to come home to and wake up beside every day.
Nothing was held back as Lexa went on about her love for Dante, how he saved her from her own darker impulses and let her forgive herself. She expressed her desparate loneliness growing up after her parents’ death and how the revelation of her mother’s survival had tormented her. She even confessed her now firm belief that her mother was truly dead, no matter if her body still walked and moved and killed in the name of God and country.
Tamara wept with her, and confessed her guilt at not being able to raise her son, but that she had always been proud of the way he had taken care of himself, and taught himself how to fight and survive, while still remaining basically a good human being at his core. The older woman would never say this, but it many ways, Lexa was like the daughter she never had, and the fact that she and her son had found each other actually pleased her.
She spent the next few days just sitting out on the deck, looking out over the lake that was teh centerpiece of the rather expensive neighborhood they lived in. She only interacted with Tamara and her daughter. Dawn could touch her, but she never really spoke to her. Part of it was out of fear that if their grief joined, she would drown in it, but also part of it was the tiny spark of hatred that she still had Matt, while Dante was dead.
At some point, Lex showed up, offering condolences and sympathy. She almost stirred from her personal quagmire when he knelt beside her and took her hand, but it wasn’t enough. She did confess her “resignation” of Slayer-dom, and he helped Dawn push through the legal paperwork of Dante’s passing. She was glad he was here, but it hurt too much to move. Lex had been a suitor before Dante proposed to her, and opening up to him was too much like betrayal.
Dawn finally came to her and broke the days-long silence between them. “Lexa, honey, Dante… left a request that instead of a funeral, that his band hold a wake in his honor, celebrating his life.”
The pained young woman looked at her, puzzled, yet said nothing. Celebrate his life? Why in the hell would she want to do that? He was gone. She couldn’t even sleep in her own bed anymore, because every time she woke up there, she rolled over to reach for him, but there was only a cold, empty spot on the bed to match the one in her heart. Why would she want to put herself through that?
Dawn saw all she needed to in the exhausted, bloodshot eyes of her friend and lover. “He’d want you to be there. He wouldn’t want you to be like this, and you know it,” she said gently.
She didn’t want to go, but Lexa deep down, Dawn was right. She wanted to sit here and wallow in her misery, but that little voice that had gotten her through learning of her mother’s “survival,” of the death of her best friend, the little voice that always sounded like Dante, told her to go. She just nodded once and Dawn left her alone again.
The dream came again that night, and every time she hoped somehow it would go differently but it didn’t. She wasn’t fast enough, or strong enough. She couldn’t warn him, and he died, as he did, over and over again every night. This time, instead of staying in bed or moving to her chair, she went and checked on little Jessica, then moved to the kitchen to find something she could stomach eating.
Dawn, Tamara, and Lex all seemed pleased to see her about, but they were also afraid to come near her, as if she were a rabbit who would run off if they approached too close. Slowly she began to speak to them, to try and let them reach out to her, even if she couldn’t quite bring herself to do the reaching. Eventually, she learned that Kei had lapsed into a coma following the severe concussion she sustained in the blast, and the doctors had no idea when or if she’d regain consciousness. Someone else taken from her; how much longer did Dawn or even Jessica have? Being close to her was a death sentence.
The night of the wake finally came. Both children were left in the care of Margaret, their nanny, for the night. The bar section of Trinity was closed off and Dante’s band set up and performed a list of songs he had specifically requested in his will. Alex, Lex, Dawn, Tamara, Clark, Lana and a few others showed up and began swapping stories of the things Dante had done and said. Matt never showed and neither did Jack. Lexa wondered vaguely where they had gone, but decided that wherever it was, it was better than being with her.
Still, the wake began to have its intended effect. Alex was in the middle of relating how Dante tried to skewer him with an ancient Aztec obsidian dagger after figuring out that he and Lexa had gotten a little “randy” thanks to the mental influence of a rather annoying vampire. Instead of complaining about the near lethality of the encounter, he was telling it like an old war story, of how they ended up grudgingly bonding afterwards, and how Alex had learned to respect Dante a bit more than he had previously.
As Lex told the story of how he and Dante first met at a martial arts competition, Lexa couldn’t help but smile a bit, sadly. Dante had been such a reserved, quiet man but what he didn’t say with words, he said with deeds, and in song, though that was a side of him few saw. She missed him so much, but somehow these memories, as painful as they were, were far preferable to the dreams she knew awaited her.
A curveball was thrown at her, when Vance, the bass player, took the stage, his nervousness apparent to all but the most dense. “Dante had left one final request. Umm, Lexa, he always enjoyed singing with you, and he hoped, that if…” He swallowed once. “Dante hoped you’d sing this one song.”
"Um, yeah, I’m supposed to read this." Fumbling into his denim vest pocket, Vance pulled out a small sheet of paper and read from it. “Lexa, ‘Wonder’ by Megan McCauley has always made me think as if she wrote this song with you in mind, somehow. If I’m gone and if you have it in you, I’d like you to sing this one, for me, and for yourself as well. I…” The long-haired guitarist choked for a moment. “He loves you.” With that, he quickly moved away from the mike.
Though no one physically turned, the entire room seemed to stare at the young woman. Lexa knew the song, though she had never sung it. Dante played it for her several times, insisting the lyrics were so much about her, yet she always teased him for being biased. Could she do it? Yes. Did she want to? No. But he asked, she never could refuse him, not even in death.
Slowly, she stood up. Lex touched her arm, and without words, asked her if she was sure about this. With a thin smile and slightest of nods, she affirmed her consent and he helped her up upon the stage. She took the mike into her hand and as the band played the chords, she felt the lyrics spill from her mouth, almost without effort. The song just seemed to come to her naturally.
Midnight workings, weather down the storyline
I try to find the truth between all the lies
When Bleeding is feeling and feeling ain't real
Will I see you when I open my eyes?
Will I see you when I open my eyes?
As she sang, emotions began to overwhelm her. Not just her misery, but the loss, the realization that this was her one chance to pay tribute to his memory, to honor the man she loved.
When Breathing's a burden we all have to bear
And trust is one thing we're taught never to share
Somehow you just seem to shine
When loving means breaking and saying goodbye
Tears began to flow down her cheeks, yet her voice never wavered. She gave herself to the music, and as the bridge rose to the chorus, she poured her pain and love and passion into the microphone, and sang with such power that she knew the gods themselves had paused to hear.
And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you, I never get burned
Lexa came down from the musical high of the chorus and let the soft tones of melancholy touch her words as she closed her eyes, letting the tears stop. All that mattered was the song. He was speaking to her again, and she to him.
Caught in a trap of what we're taught to believe
When night overcomes day, life's so hard to perceive
And the clock keeps on ticking through night-shattered skies
Where the stars are all broken, and so are all the ties
But the one thing remaining is you
When I'm broken and bleeding, you pull me right through
She remembered all the good things about him, all the times he had reached her, even when all she could feel is hatred and self-loathing for her own perceived sins. In these words and sounds was how he saw her, and maybe it was how she should finally let her view herself.
And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
When you help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you there's nothing I'd rather do
Than be right there
To escape my own life and all my fear
And I cant feel
Am I really real?
Come and wipe all my tears
Come and wipe all my tears
And I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you...
I can't help but wonder what it is you do
You help heal the pain, and the thoughts of the truth
You're a question to the universe, a wonder to the world
And somehow, when I'm with you, I never get burned
The band slowly faded into silence, and she opened her eyes again, and for the first time, truly saw the friends and family gathered there before her. She wasn’t the only one to lose someone in this tragedy. Yes, Dante was special to her, maybe even moreso than to anyone else here, but her grief was not unique nor was she alone in it. She wasn’t alone, if she wouldn’t cut herself off.
The applause was a quiet thing; not the cheering of the crowd, but the polite accolades of respect, given not to her but to the person they all loved and missed. One by one, Vance and the other band members, Deke and Joe, hugged her goodbye, and the band was the first to leave.
Slowly the other guests tapered out the door, offering condolences and tearful goodbyes. On the way home, Lexa spoke, “Dawn… I’m so sorry.”
“For what?”
“For ignoring your pain, and your grief. You loved him too, just as much as I did.”
The young sorceress reached over and squeezed her hand. “It’s okay, you have nothing to be sorry for. I don’t blame you for being so upset and lost. It… the whole thing is horrible. I’m just glad you’ve found your way back to us. I was so worried that you’d let yourself die with him.”
Lexa wiped a tear from her eye and looked at her companion. “I almost did. Part of me wanted to. He had been the center of my universe for so long, I had forgotten what it was like to not have him here. I couldn’t see you, or Alex, or Matt. All I could see is that he was gone and never coming back, and that I was all alone again.”
Dawn pulled the Slayer’s hand to her lips and kissed it. “You’re never alone, Lexa. You’re the one who made us into a family, and as long as one of us remains, we will always be here for each other. Always.” They finished the trip in silence, hands still clasped together.
Once back home, Lexa excused herself. “I need to take care of something, then I’ll be back.” And with that, she ran up to Kei’s bedroom, retrieved the Scythe, wrapped it up in linen, and drove herself to the hospital, over Dawn’s objections that she didn’t need to be behind the wheel..
There, she snuck into Kei’s room. Heart monitors and EKG meters beeped and clicked, oblivious to the new visitor. Closing the door, she unwrapped the Scythe and placed it in Kei’s hands, hoping the Slayer artifact could somehow reach her, wherever she was. Lexa sat there for the next half an hour, which was all she could risk with a weapon in the hospital. She quietly told Kei about the wake and her feelings and all that had happened. When she was done, she re-wrapped the weapon, kissed the half-Japanese Slayer goodbye and departed as quietly as she entered.
Returning home, she went to the bedroom she and Dante shared for the first time in a week. She stripped down and slid under the covers. Even with the peace the wake had brought her, she dreaded going to sleep still. Nonetheless, the weight of the sleepless nights pressed down onto her and she dreamt.
She could see him walking into the building. Dante and Kei strode into the last building of her bastard of an uncle’s mountain hideaway, whispering among each other, laughing at some joke she couldn’t hear. She tried to say something, to call out. “Dante!” His name sounded out, as clear as a crystal chime, so loud, it surprised her. He stopped and looked back to her, expectantly.
Time froze. She didn’t know what to say. All that effort, and the words left her for a moment, until finally she could speak. “I …” He cut her off before she could finish. “I know. I’ll always love you too.” And without a word, he strode into the building, without hesitation, one last time.
As before, she awoke with a start. Tears fell down her cheeks, but she didn’t cry out or sob. Instead, she got up, walked to the closet, and pulled out one of Dante’s old shirts. Slipping it on over her, she relished the faint scent of oil and sweat that had always seemed to cling to him and his clothes no matter how often they were washed. Alexandra Townsend Pearce slipped back under the covers, and drifted off into a quiet, peaceful sleep.
Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home
I will stay forever here with you, my love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on
Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side, Oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me
I will stay forever here with you, my love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on
And I can’t love you anymore than I do
People die, but real love is forever
-Evanescence, Even In Death