Disclaimer: George Lucas and Bioware
own everything. I’m merely having some
fun in their playground. Besides which,
I’m just a poor, unemployed college graduate (woohoo!!!!) so suing me will
get you nothing but the rights to my student loan payments.
I
did manage to take Jolee aside during our trip to Tatooine. I cornered him in the medical bay, while the
most of the others were still asleep. I
quietly shut the hatch behind me as I entered.
“Forgive me for asking, Jolee, but you did not seem at all surprised
by the ancient computer’s last-second verification of Veran. May I ask why?”
He
turned around and looked at me, not with suspicion but amusement. “Why ask me what you already know? Better yet, why not ask a better question?
How is it that such a fine, upstanding young Padawan like yourself
is playing babysitter to a Dark Lord of the Sith; or how about an even better
one? How come he doesn’t know
he’s a Dark Lord of the Sith?”
I
had steeled myself for this. He was
obviously a member of the Order, even if he had been absent for some time. He must have come from one of the other enclaves,
perhaps even Coruscant itself. If that
was true, then it was possible he knew Revan as a young man, before he started
wearing the full body armor and mask, and recognized him now even now.
Reluctantly,
I told him the tale of Revan’s capture and his brain-damage, as well as how
his new personality had seemingly manifested itself from nowhere. The aged Jedi just sat on the medical table
and listened, head bowed as if contemplating my every word, and he did not
look up again until I was finished. “That’s
quite a story, kid. I don’t really
know what to tell you, other than that I won’t tell him either. It’s not my place. If you want my opinion, though you probably
don’t, it’s that it should be yours.”
I
turned away from him, looking downcast. “I
am under strict orders from the Council. If
he were to learn the truth, it might break him.”
“Ahhh
yes, the infinite wisdom of the Jedi Council hasn’t gotten any less infinite
since I was under their care. Have
any of you stopped to think what would happen to him if he learns the truth
from another source, hmm? I know few
have seen Revan unmasked, and I’d be willing to be most of the holos of him
have been erased from the Jedi Archive for ‘security reasons’ since his accident,
but sooner or later, he will figure it out.
Haven’t you noticed that he’s been more and more suspicious of how
all these ancient computers and artifacts seem to want to respond only to
him? Oh, don’t so concerned yet. I don’t think he’s
figured it out, but he knows something’s up. I’d be willing to bet the only reason he hasn’t
pressed the issue is because of you.”
“Because
of me?” I turned to look at him quizzically.
“Ugh,
you may be a gifted Jedi, girl, but I know Miraluka who see more clearly than
you.”
“Miraluka
see everything thanks to their connection to the Force.”
“I
know that! Stop interrupting me and
correcting my metaphors. Now what was
I saying… oh yes, He’s developing feelings for you girl, and his smart-ass
irreverent demeanor aside, he takes you very seriously. I’ve known you both
only a couple of days, and it’s so obvious it might as well be written all
over him. And over you as well, I’d
wager.”
I
was incensed at his suggestion that I would allow myself to show my feelings
about Veran, not that they existed. “Don’t
be preposterous! You know as well as
I that the Council forbids such attachments!”
Jolee
just shook his head and grunted. “Decrees and rules don’t mean it can’t happen. One day you’ll see that your precious Council
isn’t infallible girl. Trust me; I’m
living proof of that. He cares about
you, and it’s not just because of that bond you share, though it’s certainly
helping things out in that area. Been
sharing more than just random flashes of memory, haven’t you?”
“That
is none of your concern, Jolee.” I
did not like where this conversation was going, and I needed to extract myself
from it quickly. “I thank you for your
candor on this matter. I shall deal
with Veran as I see fit. I’ll see you
at dinner.” With that, I spun on my heel, opened the hatch
and went back to the women’s dorm, just in time to see
*
* *
The
trip to the remote desert world of Tatooine went otherwise without incident. I’ve described in detail how the crew likes
to spend their time, and I won’t bore you by re-iterating the details again. The one difference was that I no longer had
to be pulled into various social activities by Veran. I even tried to let him teach me his meditation
techniques, though to be honest, I was distracted by thoughts of my mother
and father. I was not looking forward
to seeing her, and I knew the Council would frown on my contact with them,
but something compelled me. It was
as Veran said; it was as if the Force were pulling me there.
I
am ashamed to say I paid little attention to events on Tatooine.
We
were stopped by an angry Duros cursing a human female in the cantina. From the epithets he bandied, I knew it had
to be my mother, though I doubt she’d appreciate being called a “pit rancor”.
I wanted to go straight there, but
A
hunting license was needed to exit the city, which the Czerka executive was
only too happy to give us for taking care of the Tusken raider problem. As we exited the offices, we were confronted
by another irate Duros. This one was
an anthropologist who was insisting there had to be a peaceful way to end
this dispute, but that Czerka was unwilling to explore the option. He pointed us in the direction of a local droid
shop where a protocol droid who could speak Tusken was available. We agreed the droid would be worth the expense.
Kashyyyk had shown us the business practices of Czerka Corp. and none
of us had any love for them.
We
finally reached the cantina and the confrontation I had been dreading. Just as the first Duros said, my mother was
inside sitting at a table, her bearing as though she was holding court on
Alderaan, not sitting in a dingy cantina in the Outer Rim. I muttered ever so lightly under my breath “There
is no emotion, there is peace.” As
I was about to move forward I felt a small squeeze on my shoulder.
I turned my head to see Veran looking at me reassuringly.
He said nothing, but I could feel his encouragement. Steadying myself
I stepped forward. She looked up, confused.
“Hello,
I’m sorry, do I know you?”
“I’m
here, mother, or don’t you recognize?”
“Bastila? How could I do that when I haven’t even had
a picture of you in years? Do you know
how long I’ve been trying to find you?” Of
course. The first words out of her
mouth had to be some kind of beratement. At
least there were some constants in the galaxy.
“You
knew as well as I did that communication would be impossible once I joined
the Order. Now what is this about? Where is father?”
“Then
you haven’t heard. I should have known.”
A hollow note in her voice caused my pulse to
quicken.
“Heard
what? Are you going to tell me or not?”
I could feel myself growing more and more impatient, but I already
knew what she was going to say.
Mother
glanced down at the table. “Your father
is dead, Bastila. That is part of the
reason I was looking for you.”
“Dead…
What happened? What did you do that
got him killed?!” I snapped.
“Isn’t
this a lovely reunion? She’s already
hurling insults at me. You…” she said,
inclining her head to Veran behind me. “You’re
one of her friends. Do you treat your
mother this way?”
“My
mother is long dead, actually.” I could
feel a hint of sorrow in his voice as he said it.
I remembered how he told me he envied me my time with my family, back
on Dantooine.
Mother
actually looked sympathetic for a moment.
“Is that so? Well I suppose
I’ll be joining her soon enough.”
I
had had enough of this. “I was told
you were sick mother. Are you actually
dying or is this just melodrama for my benefit?”
“Such
sweet things you say,” she said, exasperated.
“I suppose I should tell you everything before we start arguing again.”
“You
could start by telling me what you got father into that killed him.”
She
stood up angrily. “I hadn’t realized
Jedi were so spiteful. You want me
to tell you I brought your father here for an expedition, do you? You want to blame me for his death? You never understood. I was always to blame for everything. You father loved going out on his hunts, leaving
you with me. Yes, I brought him here,
to hunt for krayt dragon pearls. He
took an expedition out into the desert, and he died.”
My
quickened heartbeat suddenly froze. I
knew… I had prepared myself for this revelation, but it didn’t matter. Maybe she was wrong. She had to be, but I knew she wasn’t, even as
I asked. “How can you be sure? Father was an experienced…”
She
didn’t give me the chance to finish. “Don’t
be daft, girl. I wouldn’t have gone
to all this trouble if I wasn’t sure. They were attacked by a krayt dragon. One of the guides fled, and he saw your father
killed.”
“I
see.” I felt hollow inside. I hadn’t
seen my father in years, but to hear that was dead just tore at something
inside me. This greedy, spiteful, selfish
woman had finally gotten him lead him to his death. “So what is it you want from me, mother? Credits?”
“Don’t
be ridiculous. I want you to use those
Jedi senses. I want you to find him. I want you to bring back your father’s holocron.”
I
could no longer disguise my disgust for her.
“Why? So you can sell it?”
Mother
was growing incensed. It was good to
see her break that icy demeanor of hers; always so proper and controlled. It was satisfying. “Is it too much to ask that I have something
to remember your father by? No, of
course it is. You couldn’t be bothered!”
I
just shook my head. I don’t know why
I came. This was foolish. “We are on a very important mission for the
Jedi Council, mother. Ask my companions
if you doubt me.”
Veran
moved forward, standing next to me. “What
about your mother’s illness?”
“It
seems to have little bearing on what she’s asking.
Are you actually sick, mother?”
“What
difference does it make to you? None,
I’m sure. ” She sat back down in her
seat, looking back up at me defiantly. “Just
find your father’s holocron, and you’ll never have to worry about me again
either way.”
I
let out a long sigh and tried to reign my emotions
in. “Exactly the kind of response I would expect.
Very well. We shall look for the holocron if we have the
time. I will make no promises, however.”
“Fine. Your father was headed out towards the deep
As
we left the cantina, Veran pulled me aside. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I
reluctantly looked up at him. “About
my mother? I’m unsure. I find it difficult to remain objective where
she’s concerned. I find that… disturbing.”
He
looked sympathetically at me, the vaguest of smiles forming at the right side
of his mouth. “She certainly seemed
to get to you easily enough.”
“I
told you my mother and I never got along. That obviously has not changed. Now father is dead. That leaves a hurt inside you cannot imagine…”
I glanced back up at him to see a look of pain flicker through his
eyes. “Oh, Veran… I’m sorry.
Of course… that was senseless of me.”
“Don’t
worry about it. I barely remember my parents. I was only 3 when they died. I mourn their loss and how it affected my life,
but I don’t really mourn them, if that makes any sense. You, on the other hand, were very close to your
father. Its only natural it would upset
you.” It was than that I noticed that
my hand had somehow wound up in his. I
don’t remember him offering it or my taking it. It had just happened.
“Thank
you. I… just don’t want to talk about
this right now. We should get going.”
I pulled away and began walking down the dusty road to the droid shop.
*
* *
The
droid shop was run by an Ithorian named Yuka Laka.
He sold us the protocol droid, a blood red mechanoid designated HK-47.
Protocol may have been one of its functions, but it was certainly not
its primary one. It was sarcastic, caustic, and bloodthirsty.
It also had a penchant for calling organic lifeforms “meatbags”, a
term that I found quite disturbing, as did Mission.
Veran seemed amused by its antics though.
He did a quick systems check to confirm that it would not harm its
owner, and then removed its restraining bolt.
The four of us then proceeded to leave the spaceport.
I
spent the rest of our trek through the “city” thinking about my father and
my mother and my life before the Order. My
musings were interrupted at one point by
Once
we left Anchorhead, I was able to sink back into myself. I paid little attention as he helped a hunter
escape a deathtrap set by his estranged wife.
In fact, I found the delay more than a little annoying. When I mentioned congratulating his wife, Veran
shot me a look that was rather disparaging look. It wasn’t very Jedi-like of me, but my own inner
turmoil was projecting itself onto my every word, it seemed. I spent the rest of the journey in silence.
We dispatched some marauding Tuskens with easy and used their uniforms
to get close enough to their encampment to speak with their chieftain.
For all his homicidal tendencies, HK-47 proved to be an asset in translation.
The
Tusken Raiders were attacking because Czerka was intruding on sacred ground. Also, they appeared to have some kind of religious
aversions to machines. I wasn’t paying
much attention as Veran and HK seemed to have the situation well in hand.
All it took to appease them were a pair of moisture vaporators and
they not only promised to reduce attacks, but they released their prisoners:
a handful of Jawas and
With
the Sand People appeased, we were given a map of the western
After
what seemed like hours under the burning suns, we reached the dragon’s lair. It was a cave of gigantic proportions, visible
even from a great distance. There we
found a Twi’lek hunter named Komad Fortuna. We arrived just in time to watch his companion
enter the cave. Moments later, we heard
his screams. Fortuna was there to slay
the beast to help preserve the ecological balance on Tatooine, and to repeat
the great hunt of his father before him. There
was another pang in my heart as I heard this story; he was not the only there
to slay this beast in honor of their father. I wanted to ask him if he knew my father, but
I stopped myself. I didn’t want to
know. It would only make it hurt more.
Blast it, I was supposed to be in control of my emotions, not the other
way around.
Fortuna
had lain down a minefield just outside the mouth of the cave. All he needed was someone to herd some banthas
near to the cave to draw the beast out. I
immediately volunteered our services, which drew a strange look from
The
bantha herding provoked some nearby Tusken raiders, who considered the bantha
a sacred animal. The fight was brief,
and hardly worth mentioning. Once the
banthas were close enough, the dragon emerged.
I had no idea one could grow so large.
I doubt father did either. If
he wasn’t prepared for such a beast… yes, my father was truly dead, and there
would be no remains to recover. I doubt he was more than a bite to such a
monster. My awe was soon replaced with satisfaction as
the great lumbering beast strode into the middle of the minefield.
It
took almost a dozen detonations, but the krayt dragon fell. Komad looked almost saddened by his victory.
He babbled some hunter nonsense about denying the beast honor or a
final battle or some drivel like that. I didn’t care. The thing that murdered my father was dead.
I thought I would have been happy, but all I felt was emptiness inside.
I felt a hand on my arm. Veran
just looked at me, nothing in his eyes that I could read.
He said nothing. He just touched
my upper arm for a moment, and then walked forward into the cave.
Inside
was another Star Map, surrounded by the ruins of an ancient structure that
the sands had subsumed eons ago. Shattered
statues bore a resemblance to the strange alien we saw in the holo-interface
for the computer on Kashyyyk. There
was a lot of refuse as well. Apparently
the dragon lined its cave with things taken from meals that it found indigestible.
As Veran and
It
was not in vain. After but a few moments
of searching, I found a holocron. Activating
it, an image of my father, carrying me on his shoulders, as we stood on a
hill over-looking the ruins of Ossus, the ruined Jedi library world, appeared.
My mother had insisted we go there, looking for lost artifacts of the
Jedi Order we might be able to sell them.
In fact, it was that expedition that had brought me to the attention
of the Jedi. Master Vrook was the one who came to inspect
the scrolls and tablets we recovered from one of the ruined libraries, and
it was he noticed my potential to use the Force.
My entire life changed that day.
I
felt my eyes beginning to water, and I clamped down.
No. I had already given in to
anger, annoyance, and revenge since seeing my mother. I would not give into grief. No more. I
would not have Veran or
”Are you going to give it to her?” he asked quietly.
I
quickly shut off the holo-image. “Do
you think I should?”
“You
might want to consider it.”
Yet
another sigh escaped my lips. “That
would just lead to another argument. How
I always despised talking to her. I’ll
think about it about. I should try
and remember my training. It shouldn’t
be this difficult. Can we not talk
about this anymore? I need to think.”
“What
you need to is to sort through your feelings.”
He said calmly, and with that, he turned and strode out of the cave.
*
* *
Returning
to Anchorhead, I knew I finally had to make a decision. I walked into the cantina with Veran.
“I
have the holocron, mother. I’m just
not sure I want to give it to you.”
She
actually had the nerve to look surprised.
“Would you deny me even that?”
I
looked sternly at her. “I’ve never
denied you anything, mother. You think
I don’t remember what it was like before I left, but I do. You were the one who always pushed father into
his treasure hunts. I remember the
arguments. You loved living in wealth.
You were the one who wanted to give me to the Jedi Order, even though
I didn’t want to go. You took father away from me, and this holocron
is all I have left of him.”
That
was when I saw something I didn’t expect to see:
a look of amazement. “Fool girl,
you have a strange way of remembering things.
That wasn’t how it…”
I
cut her off. I didn’t want to hear
any more of her lies. “No, I don’t
wish to argue anymore, mother. I think
its time we parted ways, for both our sakes.”
“Don’t
you think you should at least listen to her?”
Veran had finally decided to interfere.
I turned and looked at him, the hurt and anger I had pent up for all
those years finally showing in my face as well as my voice.
”You don’t know her. She is notoriously
deceptive when she wants something. Why
should she have the holocron?” Even I was taken back a bit by the venom I heard
in my own voice.
Mother
finally got up from the table and moved around to look me in the eye. There was something in the way she walked, something
I hadn’t noticed earlier. She was in
pain. “Is it too much to believe that
I’m a dying woman who just wants to see her husband one last time?”
I
heard Veran’s voice from behind her, though I could no longer see him clearly. “One of you needs to give the other a chance.”
There was this soft tone in his voice, not pleading, but patient.
I heard it in Master Vandar’s voice many times, as well as Master Zhar’s. It touched something in me at that moment, and
I softened, just a touch.
“You’re
right. It shames me, I just… I find
it difficult to… to let go of the past.” Something
inside me let go as I admitted it to both of them; a pressure on my chest
finally lifted.
Mother
closed the distance and laid both hands on my shoulders. “I know I was hard on you, Bastila. I was never a very good mother, I know that.”
Her voice was cracking. “Your father loved you so. He wanted you to be just like him. He wanted to take you with him on his hunts,
but I said it was too dangerous.”
“But
you let him go on these dangerous excursions,” I heard Veran comment. My head was bowed. I couldn’t look at either of them. I didn’t want them to see how wet my eyes were
becoming. Mother let me go and turned
to face him.
“I
always tried to keep him from the dangerous ones, but he would nothing of
it. It was a reckless life we led and it was no
place for you.”
I wiped my eyes clear while their attention was diverted. “That was why you gave me to the Order?”
“What
do your father and I have for all those years?
Nothing. That was no life for
a child, especially someone as gifted as you,” she said as she turned back
to me. “Your father spent his last years trying to
pay for my treatments. That was why
we came to Tatooine; for krayt dragon pearls.
I begged him not to…”
“Your
treatments…” She wasn’t being melodramatic.
Perhaps I had always known but just didn’t want to see it. It was so much easier to just see her as I remembered;
to just hate her.
It
was her turn to look down at the floor. “I’m
dying, Bastila. It’s been a long time
coming, but there’s nothing that can be done for it anymore. I told your father to let me go, but he wouldn’t
listen. He was stubborn. Like you.” There
was no chastisement in her tone this time, just a fondness, both for my father…
and for me? This was too much… First,
my father and now my mother, after all these years of silence and bitterness,
was about to be taken from me as well.
I
could barely speak. “I’m so sorry,
mother. I don’t know what to say.”
She
took my hand and pulled me into a hug. The
move surprised me, and I didn’t resist. She
had never shown any sign of physical affection before; it was always my father.
Maybe she was right. Maybe I am remembering things the way I wanted
to. “Keep the holocron, Bastila.
It would do me good to know you have it.
This talking to you is what I really needed before I...”
I
was not about to let her finish that sentence.
Returning her embrace, I just let my eyes close and savored the moment.
“I know. Thank you, mother. I’m glad we talked too.”
She
was the one to pull back first, wiping her eyes.
It seems we were more alike than I ever would have thought. “Now, you said you had important business, and
you were never one to mince words.” She
spun back around and gave Veran a stern look. “You there, you take good care of my daughter,
you hear me?”
Veran
cracked that lop-sided smile of his and said, “as if she’d let me.”
“Well
you make her let you. She’s too much
like her father in that respect.”
“The
rest she must get from you, “he said jovially.
“Where
are you going to go, mother?”
She
looked back to me, smiling. It was
probably the happiest I had ever seen her.
“It doesn’t matter, dear. Don’t
you worry about me.”
I
took her hand, pulled out my cred-stick and gave it to her. “Take this.
Its 5,000 credits. It should
get you to Coruscant. Find one of the
best hospitals. I’ll meet you there
when all this is over.”
Her
eyes widened. “Bastila, I already told you there’s nothing…”
“I
want you to take it, mother. I want
to see you again… when we can talk.” I
squeezed her hand shut over the chip and looked at her imploringly.
“Alright,
I will. Now you go do what you have to. Make
your father and I proud.” She patted
my hand and then slowly made her way back to her seat.
“I’ll
try, mother. Farewell.” And with that, Veran and I left the dimly lit
cantina and returned to the sun-drenched streets. He said nothing to me, the entire way back to
the Ebon Hawk. To be honest, I didn’t
want to go back there right then. I
needed to be alone to think, and the ship was far too crowded. The only place for that was the desert, however, I did not want to do this in the place of
my father’s death.
As
soon as we got back on board, Veran called everyone together. “Okay guys.
I noticed a swoop race track right next to the local cantina, which
is filled with more than a few gamblers. We’ve
all been cooped up here long enough. Between these two places, we should all find
something to do to occupy our time. Take
a little time off. We leave in 6 hours.
ALL of you, that means you too, Jolee.” Carth, Canderous, and
As
everyone moved to the landing ramp, he looked straight at me. “Everyone but you, Bastila. Someone needs to be on the ship, and since you’ve
spent as much time off-ship as I have, you’re nominated. Don’t worry; I’ll look after the kids.” I was about to protest when I saw the sympathetic
look in his eyes, contrasting that smirk, and I realized. He was clearing the ship for me. Once again, he knew what I needed, and offered
it without protest. He arranged this
entire “shore leave” scenario just to earn me a few hours privacy. He turned
and followed the others off the ramp, but he turned and looked back at me
as he walked away. He stopped and smiled.
Not the lop-sided grin I was used to seeing, but a genuine smile.
He held my gaze for a moment, and then he turned and caught back up
with the others.
I
watched him walk away before going into the ship to meditate on all that has
happened to me. By the time they came
back, I was through with my meditation and reflection.
I was waiting at the base of the landing ramp for them as they started
to file in. They all gave me an odd
look, except for Jolee, when they walked by.
It took me a moment to realize it was because I was smiling. I suppose I didn’t smile enough. It was the weight of the mission, both watching
Revan and searching for the Star Map.
But
during my introspection, I had realized something:
I was not the shepherd. He was
going along just fine on his own. If
anything, he was helping me. He was
selfless and brave, if a bit foolhardy at times, and certainly headstrong. There was a sense of caring about him. He gave without any thought of reward. If he was bold, it was only because he wanted
to do everything in his power to help. While
I had seen moments of anger in him, they seemed to just pass through him like
the wind through the trees since his all-too-brief training on Dantooine.
He seemed so at ease with the passions I fought so hard to control.
Despite appearances, it was not emotional impulsiveness
that he followed, but his own instincts, and isn’t that what a Jedi strives
to do?
I
could see now, that if it had not been for him, I would never have reconciled
with my mother. He was a better Jedi than I; there was no shame
in admitting it. It was the truth,
and I admired him for it. Once, I would
have been envious, but not anymore. Revan
may have been an evil man, but this new person in front of me could not be
the Dark Lord. He had all of Revan’s
potential, power, and charisma, but whatever demons drove him into darkness
did not exist in Veran Shadowfyre. I
did not know where Veran came from, but I was glad he existed. It made me wish Jedi were allowed to form attachments,
but that could never be. The Council
would forbid it, no matter how much I desired it. Besides, I had no idea if he felt the same.
He was just as patient with Juhani and as kind with
“Well,
you certainly seem in a good mood. Feel
better?” He walked up and rested his
elbow against one of the landing struts.
“Yes,
it brought me peace, more than I would have thought possible. Thank you for urging me towards it.” I’m not sure what possessed me in that moment,
but I reached out and took his hand, squeezing gently before letting it go
again as quickly as I had taken it. “After
all my training, I thought it would have been easier. I apparently still have much to learn.”
“We
only stop learning when we’re dead, Bastila.
Learning is a part of life. Come
on. Two down, two to go,” he said as he flashed
me that grin of his. Without a word,
I followed him back up the ramp. Yes,
there would time enough to sort out all my personal feelings later. I took the co-pilot chair next to Carth as Veran
laid in a course for our next stop: Manaan.
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