Author’s Note: just
because you can never say this enough, if you’re under
18, DON’T READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The hyperspace
journey to Manaan was only a few days in length, so I made it a point to spend
more time with Veran and the others. I found myself becoming rather fond of Carth
and
Canderous was as irascible as ever, but he seemed oddly at home here. I could only assume he missed the clan lifestyle of the Mandalorians before they were scattered at the end of the war. Apparently this eclectic assortment of beings was filling a need within him, and I wondered if he was consciously aware of it. Strangely, while I found his normal attitude unbearable, I could empathize with him. In many ways this ship and her crew had become a surrogate family to me, even more than the Jedi Order.
Still, there was one task I needed to take care of. I found Veran at the helm, monitoring ship systems. He didn’t turn around at first, so I took the co-pilot seat next to him. He looked over at me from the datapad he had been reading and set it down. “You look like you have something to say.”
I nodded once and turned to face him directly. The only way I was going to get through this was to be blunt. “I do. I have been trying to come up with the best way to do this for some time. I suppose I should just come out and say it. I have come to depend on you, not just for the mission, but for my sake as well. I am… I am glad you are with us.” I willed myself to maintain eye contact. I was not going to act like a schoolgirl with a crush.
His mouth began to form that smile of his. “What was that? I think I’m going deaf. Could you say that again?”
I chuckled lightly and brushed a lock of hair back behind my ear. “Now you are teasing me. You know very well what I said.”
“I’m just still reeling from the shock of it,” he joked as he leaned back into his seat. “Was that a compliment?”
I looked at him with mock indignation. “Well yes. Surely it’s not so surprising.”
“You just sounded so pained to say it,” he said as his smirk grew larger.
“Did I? I am trying to be sincere here. It occurs to me that I may have been too hard on you, too demanding and too critical at times.”
“Thank you, I appreciate the gesture.”
I sat back myself, feeling a bit more at ease about things now. “I know my manner can be a bit… taciturn. I know you must be getting sick of my lectures about the Dark Side and… everything else. All my life, I was hounded by my instructors, always being told how gifted and important I was until I was sick of it. I remember when I was younger, swearing I would never be as self-absorbed or as stodgy as the Jedi Masters. It’s ironic, really.”
The smirk returned as he said, “don’t forget edgy, critical, and overly secretive.”
I gave him a glare I didn’t really feel. “Yes, well there’s no need to agree so wholeheartedly. Being controlled has kept everyone at arm’s length; even those such as yourself who need my understanding and compassion. It’s time to change all that. I wanted to tell you how much I admire and respect you. I had to tell you how much I care about you.” I hadn’t meant to add that last part, but it was so good to just relax and be myself. Blast it! I quickly added, “As a friend, of course.” I ran through every control technique I could to keep from blushing.
He made no sign of noticing my slip. He just smiled warmly at me and said, “I’m glad you did.”
Having narrowly missed the blaster shot on that, I stood up to go. “Well that was not nearly as hard as I had feared. Thank you. I feel… I feel much better. There’s been enough soul-searching for one day. I believe we’ll be arriving at Manaan within the hour.”
Veran nodded once and turned back to the pilot console. Yes, I did feel much better.
* * *
Upon our arrival at the water world, Veran and I had yet another shared vision of the Star Map. This one appeared to be beneath the huge ocean that covered the surface of the world. This would undoubtedly make things difficult. It would seem that we would be spending a fair bit of time on Manaan, much longer than the two days apiece spent on Kashyyyk and Tatooine.
Veran
made an announcement to the crew. “Okay, people. We’ve been living together on this tiny ship
for almost a month. Over two months
for those of you who were with us on Dantooine.
Manaan is the first civilized world we’ve visited in a while, and
“And how are we going to pay for this decadence, Padawan? The Order did not give us a lot of spare credits to throw around.” Juhani cut in, sternly. “We should not spend what little money we have so frivolously.”
“The Order didn’t, but Motta the Hutt’s swoop track on Tatooine did; at least for their top-timed racer.” With that, he pulled out a cred-stick which he claimed was valued at several thousand credits. That put Juhani’s fears at ease. It would seem I missed some fun while I stayed behind on the Hawk sorting out all that happened between mother and me.
Carth looked a little reluctant. “Are you sure it’s wise to leave the ship unattended?” He had grown rather fond of the Ebon Hawk. Of course, I also don’t think he liked relaxing on any world where the Sith were so near, and who could blame him?
“Well if the Sith do try anything, they risk having their kolto exports decreased or stopped altogether. You’re right though, Carth. We shouldn’t leave the ship unguarded. HK-47 and T3-M4 will remain about the Hawk as security. You guys have a problem with that?”
“Response: Negative, Master. I find the presence of amphibian meatbags even more unpleasant that mammalian ones. Their language is an offense to my audio-receptors. Are you sure I cannot kill anything while here, Master?” The crimson droid disturbed me, but Veran merely chuckled at its bloodlust.
“Yes, I’m sure, HK. You do have permission to vaporize anyone who tries to force their way onboard. Do give them one warning, first though. Regardless, I promise, if there is any killing to be done on Manaan, I’ll be sure to call you.”
“Exclamation: Oh, thank you, Master! I’ve found our recent ventures to be disappointingly pacifistic. I can feel my actuators rusting with inactivity.”
“Well we can’t have that, now can we? Okay people, gather your gear. Consider this a working holiday.” His mood was definitely jovial as we gathered our possessions. Maybe our talk had a positive effect on him as well.
Securing
lodgings proved more difficult. One of the major hotels was shut down due to
a murder of a Sith woman named Elassa. The accused was an old companion of Jolee’s
named Sunry. Jolee immediately went
down to the
Veran
mentioned that there was a much more up-scale swoop track on the eastern side
of
I suggested to Veran as the others left that we should at least check in with the Republic embassy and make some inquiries about underwater ruins. He said he would, but first he wanted to try out the swoop track. I shook my head in disbelief. Here we were on an important mission, and he wanted to race. He was right, though, in a way. We all needed to unwind, and the few hours the others had on Tatooine just did not suffice in that regard. A week ago, I would have lectured him on the importance of our mission. It was ironic that even though I was supposed to be guiding him, it seemed more and more that the reverse was true.
Veran stopped in the middle of one of the labyrinthine corridors. “Curious about something, Bas… Bastila?” He actually corrected himself from using that pet name. I was impressed. I had noticed that his attempts of humor at my expense at me had been decreasing since Tatooine.
“Am I that transparent? I suppose I should not be surprised, considering our bond. There is something I would like to ask, if you’d permit it.”
He folded his arms over his chest and tried his best to look serious, but it didn’t quite succeed. “Go ahead.”
“In our time together, I’ve been watching you. You are a true servant of the Light; you follow the tenets of the Jedi Order despite the temptations of the Dark Side, and with so little training.” I couldn’t help but let a hint of admiration slip into my voice. “For me, it has always been a constant battle. Don’t you find it difficult at all? You make it seem so easy. Or is that only an illusion?”
He looked down at his feet and shuffled them about before answering. “It has difficult for me as well. Not in the decision-making but afterwards. As a scout, I’m used to making decisions, but only for myself. Now it seems I have to look out for 8 other beings, as well as help shoulder the weight of the galaxy. My slightest decision could have disastrous consequences for those I care about. I lie awake at night, wondering if there was a better way to do something. The council is right about one thing at least: I am too impulsive. Mostly, I think I’ve just been lucky.”
A wan smile slowly spread across my face. “There is no luck, there is only the Force. You don’t give yourself enough credit. I am glad to hear that though. Not that you have doubts, I mean, but that I’m not the only one. I’ve always struggled for control over my passions. I’m too quick to anger, too quick to act. My instructors have constantly berated me for it.”
I leaned back against the opposite wall, mirroring his posture. “I have often dreamed of confronting Darth Malak and using all my power to destroy him and stop the evil of the Sith. I just think about all the evil that the Sith have caused and I… I … get so furious!” I let my hands clench. “Yet we are told such feelings are the path to the Dark Side.”
Veran looked back up at me. “You would not be alone in that fantasy. It would seem we both have our demons to face, then.”
I just
sagged against the wall. I had never been able to talk about things like
this with the masters on Dantooine. It
was so good to just let these things out, to have a kindred spirit, as it
were. “I suppose we do. Part of me thinks it would be worth anything
to vanquish evil, even if it meant giving in to my baser emotions. The very thought that I could become as evil
as Malak; I just can’t fathom it. How
could I…” Suddenly, I realized what
I was saying and who I was saying it to. I
almost kicked myself for being so foolish, shaking my head; I knew I had to
stop this immediately. “I’m sorry;
I shouldn’t be asking you this. The
Jedi teachings are clear; who am I to question to them? Even worse, who am I to try and make you question
them?”
Veran looked at me, his confusion obvious in his eyes. He had long argued that questioning was a good
thing. He should have been the perfect
person to discuss this with. But I
couldn’t, not with him. I couldn’t
take even the slightest chance I might inadvertently lead him down that “all
too familiar path” as Master Vrook called it.
“These are dangerous thoughts, the indulgence of a vain mind. Please, forget I ever mentioned this. Let’s just have the evening out you wanted.”
Thankfully, Veran let the subject drop for the time being. Before we could reach the swoop track, his com-link buzzed. It was Jolee. “I could use your help, both of you. Something odd is going on with this murder case. Sunry needs an arbiter, and I don’t think I’m the best choice in this case. Come on down to the jail and see for yourself.”
* * *
The case of Sunry in the murder of Elassa was quite complicated. It would sidetrack this entire entry to delve into the full details of it, so I will try and surmise as best I can. Sunry was an old, handicapped war veteran who was having an affair with a Sith woman named Elassa. Why he thought a young Sith woman would be interested in him for anything other than information is quite beyond me. Men seem to have little ability to think once their hormones become involved.
The woman was found dead in her hotel room, and Sunry was seen leaving the scene. A war medal was found clutched in the dead woman’s hand. Sunry claimed he met with her at the hotel to end the affair, realizing he was being used. According to his story, the Sith killed her for losing a source, and were framing him to discredit the Republic. It would certainly have been in character for them.
Our initial investigation uncovered that one of the witnesses had been bribed
to plant Sunry’s medallion after Sunry fled the scene. Another witness confessed to having seen Elassa
carry a lightsaber, marking her as a Dark Jedi, if not a full Sith. It seemed unlikely such an old man could have
killed her. I felt Jolee would have
his friend acquitted in no time.
Things became more interesting as we left the scene of the crime. A strange man approached us, hinting that the whole case was merely a microcosm of the struggle between the Republic and Sith, and that we should not take anything at face value. Normally, I would have dismissed such cryptic advice from a total stranger, but a stirring in the Force told me, as well as Jolee and Veran, that something more was going on here.
We then
proceeded to the far side of
When confronted with this information, Sunry confessed, to us anyway, to committing the crime in an act of rage, upon learning he was only being used for information. He then went to Republic Intelligence to cover things up, because he knew the Sith would use the crime to have severe kolto sanctions placed on the Republic, which would be disastrous. He argued this was the very reason he could not come forward and admit his guilt.
It was a tenuous position, and Veran was obviously torn by what to do. He turned to Jolee and I for help. The aging Jedi seemed depressed to learn that his friend had murdered someone in cold blood. Even I was hard-pressed to give a quick answer. Sunry should be exposed, as we Jedi were obligated to uphold justice. We were also the defenders of the Republic, and this incident could cost us the war.
In the end, Veran chose to defend Sunry. I could not help but notice that at no point did he ever call Sunry innocent, nor did he lie about any evidence. He merely exposed the Sith attempt to undo R.I.’s clean-up job. Sunry was found not guilty and released with a 3-2 vote between the judges. Veran did not seem pleased by the result, and as we left the trial chamber, he was brooding heavily. Jolee was also inconsolable, and traveling with the two of them was a rather somber affair for the time for the rest of the day.
* * *
We went back to the hotel, and met up with the others. Veran unveiled what he had learned so far, about the Sith activities, as well as the Sunry case. Carth and Canderous had tales of both sides hiring an insanely large number of mercenaries. They were also approached by a Selkath named Shaelas, about the disappearance of Selkath youths. Shaelas suspected the Sith and wanted their embassy investigated. Once again, everything seemed to be falling into place.
The only decision left concerned who was to enter the Embassy. Veran insisted he and HK-47 should go, after all, he had promised. I was not about to be left out this time, pointing out what happened the last time they went into a Sith base without me. Carth again spoke out that I was the one with the bounty on my head. “Perhaps, but as you pointed out, they have probably already seen me. They can do nothing overt while we are within the Selkath’s jurisdiction. I am going, and that is the end.”
Carth backed down, and Veran nodded once to signal the discussion closed. We called HK-47 to meet us in the Eastern Courtyard, and from there, we proceeded to the Embassy. The guard at the entrance barely paid attention to us. He looked up long enough to check our ID cards, but Veran’s slice job held up to scrutiny and we were in. One turbolift ride later, and we were into the military section. There the Force seemed to turn against us, as the female officer manning that checkpoint was much more attentive. She recognized me immediately, and called down the upper levels guards.
The entire complex was on alert, and we fought a running battle the entire way. HK-47 handled the other droids, while Veran and I cut down the troops as we encountered them. There was also a high number of Force-trained Sith in the base as well. After retrieving the data for Roland Wann, we proceeded into a highly restricted area of the embassy, where we located Selkath youth being trained in the Sith ways.
Shaelas’ daughter Shasa was their spokesman, and she did not believe us when we tried to explain how the Sith were deceiving them. Veran managed to persuade them to give us a chance to prove ourselves before calling down the rest of the guards. We confronted their Sith master as well as a handful of Selkath apprentices who weren’t so open-minded. Between Veran and myself, we made swift work of the Sith master. Unfortunately his apprentices would not surrender and HK-47 dispensed with them, much to his pleasure no doubt.
Among the master’s effects, we found a datapad outlining their plans for the Selkath youths; it was basically a long-term plan to corrupt the next generation of Selkath leaders and instigate what would appear to be an internal political coup on the planet. When presented with this data, Shasa persuaded her fellows to leave with her and report to the authorities all that had transpired here.
It was
fortunate for us that they were willing to do so.
The
We took the droid data back to Roland Wann, who explained why the Republic had been hiring mercenaries. Apparently, they had been constructing a kolto harvesting station down near the Hrakert Rift with position from elements within the Selkath government. This was a secret pact, which would have essentially negated Manaan’s claims of neutrality. They lost contact with the station a week ago, and the mercenaries they were hiring were sent down to investigate. None had returned.
Wann was willing to provide us with a craft to explore the ocean’s surface, provided we were willing to investigate the station for them. It seemed we were again expected to clean up after a Republic operation fell apart. I couldn’t help but wonder if we Jedi did not spend more time saving the Republic from itself than we did from enemies. When I asked how this would help us find our Star Map, he replied that some odd ruins had been uncovered near the station when construction began on the harvester unit.
The station itself was like something out of a bad holo-vid. Something had driven the Selkath researchers mad, as well as the firaxan sharks out in the water. They turned on their human compatriots and the place was a charnel house. A deranged scientist who locked himself in a locker told us all this. Once again, the Star Map was near the cause of some kind of evil event or monstrous mutation. I knew there were no coincidences, but there were rare occasions when I thought the Force was stretching probability a little too far.
The only route to that area was to walk through the firaxan infested waters. After a thorough search of the facility, we managed to locate some kind of sonic device that was intended to kill them, but there was only one working pressure suit. I knew the Star Map would likely only respond to Veran, so he had to be the one to go, though HK-47 protested vehemently that he should be allowed to accompany him, but an order from Veran silenced him.
He was gone for over an hour. I paced nervously while HK-47 watched on. I knew it was silly, but I couldn’t help myself. My reverie was interrupted by my unwanted companion. “Query: Why do you pace so relentlessly? Either the master will return or he will not. Repetitious walking will not change the result.” I just ignored him, and he asked nothing else. Of all the company in the galaxy, why did I have to be stuck with an assassin droid?
I didn’t answer the droid, because I was still uncomfortable with the answer myself, even though I had begun to realize it back on Tatooine. I was frightened he would not come back, because I cared for him in a way that went beyond friendship, and that overrode logic and training. Jolee was right; all the decrees in the world couldn’t change what I felt. But what could I do?
About 40 minutes after Veran left me, we could feel the rumble of an explosion outside in the seabed. I feared the worst, but willed myself back under control as best I could. Our bond was still intact. If he died, I would know it. I was being irrational. This time, my attempts to center myself succeeded and I brought my heart rate back down.
Obviously, he did return, safe and well shortly thereafter. He explained that he triggered the explosion to destroy the harvester machinery. Apparently the Republic scientists had awoken a giant firaxan, possibly prehistoric in nature. According to a few stranded scientists he found, the beast’s awakening coincided with the outbreak of madness in the station and the surrounding waters. It was attacking the machinery, and he calculated removing the giant construct would quiet it down. He gamble was correct, and with his victory, he gained access to the Star Map which lay in a small submerged stone circle, near the edge of the Rift.
I was eager to look the data over, but he said that two sectors on it were still damaged, and that nothing important had been gleaned from this one. The one on Korriban was our last hope to find a location for the Star Forge. We tried to return to the sub when we were ambushed by a pair of Sith assassins, this time led by the Dark Lord’s own apprentice, Darth Bandon.
Bandon was a former Jedi who followed Revan and Malak to war against the Mandalorians. To his credit, Bandon did not preen and posture the way Calo had. He and his two assistants attacked us as soon as we opened the doors to the sub bay. With a twist of the Force, Bandon disabled HK-47 and moved in to attack me. The other two flanked Veran, who pulled out his spare lightsaber and slid into a defensive style I had not seen him use since Bendak Starkiller.
I could not afford to pay too much attention to his battle prowess at the moment. The pale figure sported a goatee similar to Jolee’s, was tall in height, and wore a set of black armor, lined with a cortosis weave to make it lightsaber resistant from the way a glancing blow to his chest just slid off it. Malak took him as his chief apprentice after he betrayed Revan, and took the title of “master” for himself. I could not let my attention waver from him for one second. I had little doubt Veran could handle two Dark Jedi by himself.
“At last, my search is over! I was beginning to think someone else had killed you and deprived me of the pleasure!” It seemed Bandon could not resist gloating during a battle however. We both used double-bladed lightsabers, and as we danced around each other, my golden blade clashing with his crimson one. “You will not dispatch me as easily as you did that fool bounty hunter. I have studied at the feet of the Dark Lord himself!”
“You’re Malak’s apprentice? I can’t say I’m impressed.” I let just enough of a sneer into my tone, as I knocked aside an underhanded slash with an almost apathetic parry. It seems my “Jedi princess” persona, as Canderous called it, did have its uses after all. I knew such an arrogant man would lose his temper and attempt to salve his wounded pride.
I did not have to wait to be proven correct. His face twisted into snarl. “Your words mean nothing to me, unless you wish to beg for your life! No? Then I shall make this slow and painful!” With that, he executed a series of rapid strikes, twisting and spinning his blade, trying to score on my appendages, crippling me.
I appeared to fall back against his onslaught, letting him think he was winning. He took the bait, and brought his blade up into a showy overhead spin, intending to suddenly shift into a downward slash, finishing me. I did not give him the opportunity; as he twirled his blade, I dropped to one knee, and with one smooth slice, I cut his legs out from under him. Bandon fell crashing to the floor, screaming. I took no small amount of pleasure from standing up, executing my own overheard twirl and stabbing my saber blade down into his chest, ending his suffering. The galaxy would not miss such a man.
I heard
applause behind me, and turned to find Veran standing there, his lightsabers
on his belt. As I knew, the two Sith
apprentices lay dead on the floor. “Magnificent piece of work. I really should take you dancing sometime.
That style of yours would have many less practical applications.”
There was a gleam of mischief in his eyes, but I chose to ignore it. I would not be baited as easily as Bandon had
been. I did give him a smile though.
“Perhaps. Let us get HK back up and running. We should be going.” One restart later, and we were on our way.
We returned to the surface, where we were once again taken before the Selkath court. We were forced to reveal the Republic’s treaty with the Selkath, much to the shock of several judges. Fortunately, the chief judge was already aware of the agreement, and quieted the protests from his fellows. We were thanked for sparing the giant shark, which they called the Progenitor and released. A strange business, when one stops to look back on it all, as I am now.
* * *
Our task
on Manaan was complete, but we could not yet leave.
All the various revelations and investigations had forced the
With no complaints, we all saw this as an opportunity to unwind without any sort of pressure. The Sith were quarantined in their embassy until such time as they were allowed to leave. We had 3 of the 4 Star Maps that we knew existed, and this slight delay was out of our hands. Even the Council could not fault us for our extended stay. The others went off and did whatever it was they liked. I think we were all relieved to have some time to ourselves.
Veran went swoop-racing, and I decided to follow him. It was his skill with a swoop that enabled him to win the Taris Open in his foolhardy attempt to rescue me, but I was not cognizant enough at the time to appreciate his skill, and it was his giving me an opportunity for solitude and reflection that let him race on Tatooine. I decided I wanted to watch him at this… hobby of his. He seemed to enjoy it, though when I asked him why, he would just make some comment about, “it’s a male thing.” I would remind him that there were plenty of female swoop jockeys as well, but he seemingly dismissed my comments out of hand. Male, indeed.
To all the other racers’ surprise, Veran won the Sector Championship easily. I suspect if they knew he was a Jedi, they may have banned him from participating. He was feeling insufferably pleased with himself afterwards and insisted on taking me to dinner to celebrate. He found this little restaurant, away from the bustle of the Visitor’s Quarter of Ahto City. Manaan food, while delicious to the Selkath, was distinctly less popular with their off-world guests. A Twi’lek had opened a restaurant catering to the tastes of off-worlders, and it was quite good. During dinner, however, Veran decided to go back to our last conversation.
“I wanted to ask you, about what you said before. You cut off rather abruptly.” He said nonchalantly, as he cut into his meal.
I tried to shrug off the comment with the same casualness. “Yes, I did, didn’t I? Perhaps a Master could have properly addressed my questions, but I should not have brought them up with you. I don’t think I am the proper Jedi to guide you.”
That caught his attention. “Why do you say that?”
I met his gaze, and tried to smile. “The fact of the matter is that I’ve never been very good at controlling myself. With the bond that joins us, it seems I have even less. You have maintained the path of the light despite my influence, not because of it. It has become increasingly clear that I am not the one to guide you.”
Placing his utensils down, he sat back in his chair, his face had become unreadable. He was guarding himself. Why? I had finally said too much. It was not proper for a Jedi to show such weakness, and I had finally gone too far. “So what now?”
“I don’t know. I think…. I think I may have made a very big mistake. I only hope you aren’t the one to pay the price for my failings.”
“Maybe we could help each other, then.” Laughing lightly, he added, “you think I don’t have my faults? Let me tell you a secret: the key to being a great friend or leader or whatever is knowing how to look like you know exactly what you’re doing, even when you don’t have a clue. There are times when I’ve been flying blind on this mission, with no idea if what I was doing was right or wrong.”
He leaned forward, lowering his voice, as to keep the rest of the patrons from over-hearing. “Take the Sunry case, for one, or destroying the kolto harvester. I have been on edge of vomiting more times than I’d like to think since we started out on this mission, never sure if this decision was going to be the one where I’d reveal that I’m not the ‘ gifted prodigy’ everyone seems to think I am. The only thing that has kept me from second-guessing myself into insanity is I knew that you’d be there to bring me slap me back to reality if I went too far. You’ve been the staff I could lean on during this quest. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“That’s a kinder answer than I deserve, and I am honored you think of me I in such a way.” Inside, I was stunned by his answer. I never suspected he felt this way. Once again, I was trying to keep him at a distance, confessing my sins and flaws, expecting him to reject me or chastise me, and instead he offered nothing but acceptance, never judging. “You continue to be there for me, don’t you? Even though I keep pushing you away, you’re still around when I need you the most. You are like no man I have ever known before, and you’re nothing like I expected you to be after…” Sithspit! “After the Council sent us on this mission together.”
His brow furrowed, and he gave me a probing look, as if trying to read my mind. He wasn’t, of course, I would have felt the touch of the Force through our bond. “How did you expect me to be? I realize we didn’t really get off on the right foot, back on Taris, but I couldn’t have made that bad a first impression.”
I stammered a reply. The Jedi Masters may have excelled at misdirection, but it was a talent I obviously lacked. “No, no, it wasn’t that. You were just… different, I suppose. Oh, I feel like a fool trying to explain this. Things are not going as I had planned. I… I need time to think about all this. We should finish eating before our food gets cold. We paid enough for it.”
Veran opened his mouth as if he were about to argue, but he closed it instead, and went back to his Alderaanian steak. The awkward silence continued for the rest of the evening, while I sat and brooded over everything, poking at the pasta I had ordered. In the end, I knew there could be only one decision.
We left the restaurant at a late hour. Eventually we moved past our awkward silence and moved to topics like HK-47’s revelations about his former masters, and Jolee’s long and rambling tales. I told him about my father and some of the pranks he used to play on me as a child. We spent the evening recounting some of the more amusing and embarrassing moments of our journey together, and for a while, I forgot all the things were supposed to be plaguing me. The maitre’d came up and had to ask us to leave as the restaurant was closing up around us. Neither of us had realized we had been there so long.
Walking the corridors of Ahto City back to our hotel, Veran stopped me and led me over to one railings of one of the large open areas, allowing for a view of Manaan’s ocean. “By the Force, that’s beautiful.” The silver moon played out over the rippling water. The winds were calm and so was the sea. There were only a few misty wisps of cloud in the sky, and the stars shown clearly. It was a simple, but breathtaking sight.
We just stood there, for the next hour, just staring at the stars and at the sea, not saying a word, just enjoying the moment. We hadn’t been alone like this since that night on Dantooine. We were standing so close together I could feel the warmth from his body. When I felt him place a hand on my waist, I knew I had to tell him. “I told you I needed time to think. Well I have been thinking, and you deserve an answer.” I felt him stiffen next to me and his hand pulled back.
“You have been more than patient with me, so I will be direct, but you have to understand how difficult this is for me.” I did not give him a chance to respond, continuing hurriedly. “With all my training, I should be able to control myself better than this, but you’re not like anything I had expected. You are like no man I have ever known.” I moved back and gripped the railing for support. “I find myself watching you when I don’t mean to; thinking about you when I don’t want to. It’s not supposed to be like this!”
Veran just stood there in the same spot, his face passive, eyes unreadable. With a calm, carefully measured voice, he asked, “what’s it supposed to be like, then?”
This was so frustrating! Here I was, a Jedi since the age of 5, and I was having to stammer out my feelings like a teenage girl with her first crush. In retrospect, that’s exactly what I was, but feeling that way didn’t make it any easier. “I don’t know! It shouldn’t be so hard not to think of you! I should have discipline! Jedi discipline!” My voice was growing too loud, but I didn’t care. Thankfully the streets were empty of almost all but droids and the occasional guard patrol.
“Every time I try to draw upon my teachings to calm myself, they fail me! You have such power, such passion! I don’t’ know if it is because of our bond, but I am drawn to you! It could be simply the bond. It does lend us a certain… intimacy of thought and feeling. If I could, I would return to Dantooine. I need to be away from this bond of ours. I need to weaken it. I need to be anywhere but near you!” I put all the weight I could on that last word, driving it home, like some kind of accusation.
His face remained stony and silent. I did not know what hurt worse, what I was saying or the look in his eyes as I said it. “This is not the place for this. If you wish to truly have this all out and in the open, then we should return to the Ebon Hawk.” I could not let the others see what was transpiring, for both our sakes. He just nodded once, stepped aside and gestured for me to lead the way.
* * *
Back on the ship, we went back into the men’s dormitory. He set HK-47 to stand guard at the base of the ramp, and put T3-M4 into a diagnostic mode. Finally alone, I knew it was time to finish this, so I steeled my resolve. “You’re stronger than I am; there’s no point in denying it. You make me feel weak, like I’m caught up in the wake of our destiny. And yet, at the same time you make feel stronger, more alive.”
The wall he had built up around him started to wear thin. I could feel the faintest hint of pain, both in his eyes and through our bond. “As do I,” he muttered softly.
I tried to explain things as best I could. He didn’t grow up in this lifestyle. I knew it would be more difficult for him. “I realize now these feelings are a result of the bond we share. With such a connection we could not help but be drawn to each other, and the Council must have known this. They knew my loyalty to the doctrines of the Order would be tested by this experience. By facing and overcoming my feelings for you, I have learned a valuable lesson about emotional control, which is something I have long needed to learn. This has been a great step in my understanding of the Force.”
I looked down at the floor, unable to meet his eyes. “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I felt it was important that you know our… infatuation… was nothing more than a result of our powerful bond.”
“So I was just another stepping stone on your path to becoming a Jedi Master?” There was such… venom in his voice. The bond dampened down, and I knew he was angry. Yes, this was the right decision. Love itself is not of the Dark Side, but all the other emotions that come from it were too dangerous for a Jedi. This hurt me as much as him, but I had to press on.
“Please don’t say it like that! You make it sound like I was using you! Don’t you realize how difficult this is for me?” I looked back up, letting the pain show in my eyes. Maybe he would see that I was not as heartless as he was accusing me of being.
He threw up his arms in disgust, his voice rising to fill the small dormitory. “For you? What about for me?” Force, woman, I can feel you in my head, day in and day out! Everything that hurts you hurts me. I try not to let on, because you obviously value your privacy, and I did my best to shield it out, but you think my passions are strong? You’re one to talk, sister!”
His anger fed my own inner turmoil and I lashed back at him. “Why do you think I came to this decision? I know how hard this is for both of us. That’s why I had to be the one to step forward and do the right thing! You’re the one who can’t face the truth. We have to stop Darth Malak, and we can’t do that if we’re… fawning over each other like a couple of adolescents!”
He stalked towards me and for a moment I was afraid the Dark Side had taken him and he meant to try and harm me. “I don’t care. I’m going to stop Malak, and I want you by my side. I need you by my side.” He just stared down into my eyes, letting all the walls drop. I could feel the longing, the frustration, and the love within him. All those things, light and dark, spun within him, and it frightened me just a little bit, but I couldn’t move away from him.
Our eyes were locked and it was if I was entranced, yet I did not feel the touch of the Force upon my mind. “You mean it don’t you? But how can I be sure you aren’t making a mistake? You said it yourself… No, I must be strong enough for the both of us. I must resist this.” And yet, I still couldn’t look away.
His voice
lowered to barely a whisper, and it once again held that softness I first
heard on Tatooine I was torn between my feelings for my parents.
“You know I’m right, Bastila.” When
he leaned in to kiss me, I didn’t pull back.
Instead, I melted into the embrace.
For a brief second my only thoughts were The
council would forbid this! and To
hell with the council in rapid succession.
I slip my arm around his neck and his found my waist. I think he was surprised when I deepened our kiss. His hands slowly moved up my back, fingers tracing my spine through my dueling leathers. His mouth moved from mine, and slowly made its way down my neck, and then back up, finding my ear. I gasped at this sensation, and tried to imitate what he was doing to my back. I managed to whisper, “I’ve never done anything like this before.”
He released my earlobe from his teeth, and moved to look me in the eye. “I won’t take this any further than you want me to. You have my word.” His earnestness touched me, and I made a snap decision. I did not know the future, but this was the only man I had ever met that I wanted in that fashion, and I tossed reason and doctrine to the wind. I reached up and caressed his cheek. “I’ll tell you if I want you to stop.”
With an unsure look, he reached up and began to slowly tug the seal of my clothing down. One of the reasons I preferred my dueling leathers were because they were easy to get in and out of. I smiled as I now realized the full extent of that feature. That must have put Veran’s fears at ease, because he visibly relaxed and began kissing his way down, just behind the zipper.
Once he reached the waist, he sat me back on the nearest bunk and dropped to his knees. With a slow, practiced ease, he took my left leg in his hand, and raised it up. He slowly slid my boot off, never breaking eye contact. I swear I never would have thought such an act could be so seductive. He did the right leg just as slowly.
I think I was beginning to get the hang of this. I stood up and pulled the outfit from my shoulders and let it slowly slide down my body. I had to give it a small push to get it over my hips and then let it fall the rest of the way. Veran was still on his knees, looking up at me, with a look of not only lust but admiration. “Has anyone ever told you that you are absolutely gorgeous?” he whispered so low I could barely hear him.
I offered him my hand, and helped him to his feet. I should have felt embarrassed standing there in nothing but my undergarments, but I didn’t. I kissed him lightly. “Before you? No one.” I moved my hands to his waist and tried to unfasten the belt that held his outer robe on. “Well, I suppose I should be thankful Master Vrook isn’t on the list with me.”
I playfully swatted him. “Oh thank you, that was a mental image I really needed.” We broke out in a fit of laughter. When we were done, Veran tugged his outer robe off and pulled me into another kiss. As our tongues met, I began pulling urgently at the rest of his robes. I wanted to see him, all of him. I knew where this was leading, and though the sensible part of me was screaming how wrong this was, it was a very small, distant voice, easily ignored.
I had spoken earlier about how Veran’s undergarments were more of a skin tight short bodysuit, unlike the lingerie I wore. This proved problematic, as I wasn’t quite sure how to remove them. Veran stepped back, and with a wink, he pulled them off slowly. He was trying to be sexy, and I found the whole display very amusing. It seems he took exception to my laughing at his manly display, and proceeded to tickle me mercilessly. I don’t know how he knew, but I was always quite ticklish, and he soon had me driven back onto the bunk, trying to get away from him.
I begged him to stop, and when I finally regained my senses, I realized he had me pinned down, and was completely nude. While I couldn’t see all of him, I could feel the length of him pressing against my thigh. My mouth suddenly went dry. Excitement and terror gripped me simultaneously. He felt me suddenly tense up, and loosened his grip. “Shall I stop?”
It took me a moment to find my voice. “If you continue, we may both regret it.” He sat up, a touch of sadness in his smile. “As you wish.”
“However, if you don’t continue, we may regret that as well.”
A small smile crept into his face. “Damned if we do; damned if we don’t.”
“I just don’t know what to expect. This is all so new to me.” I blushed lightly at my confession. I don’t know why, though. Most Jedi were inexperienced in such things.
“Why don’t I start off and give you a little… taste of what is to come.” The smile turned lopsided. Apparently he was making a joke that only he got. He reached down, and tugged at the hem of my panties. Lifting up, I let him pull them off. While he slid them from around my ankles, I unfastened my bra and pulled it off.
I was uncertain what he intended, as he kissed and nibbled his way up one leg, and then proceeded to do the same to the other. I shivered under this attention, and bumps broke out all over my bare skin. I discovered what his intentions were when my world exploded as he ran his tongue lightly over my most… tender areas. He teased his way around the sensitive bud that was practically begging for attention, yet avoiding it completely. I bit into the side of my hand to keep from whimpering. It had been so long since I had felt anything like this. I had discovered the art of self-pleasure shortly after puberty, but had not practiced it in years, afraid Master Vrook dropped a not-so-veiled reference during training one day. In the Enclave, the risk of someone feeling the sudden emotional outburst was too great.
As he teased me with his mouth, I felt him slowly slip a finger inside me. It was a weird sensation; uncomfortable and yet pleasurable. I moved my hips to accommodate its presence, and he took that as an invitation to add a second. My back arched to meet this second intruder, my hands clutching the sheets in one, and his hair in the other. I felt like I was about to fall off the edge of a cliff. Veran chose that moment to end his teasing and attack my weak spot directly. That was the last stimulus I needed, and 10 years of pent-up frustration was released in one glorious instant. The universe bled white around me, and I have no idea how long it was before I regained my senses.
When I came back down, he was lying next to me, my hand in his, his head propped up on his arm. “Welcome back, princess. I trust you were… pleased.”
I looked over at him, and tried to look scornful, but the giddy smile on my face and the light tremors that still ran through me ruined that. “Not as pleased as you are with yourself, I see.”
“A man likes to see his work is appreciated.”
I turned onto my side to face him. “It was very much appreciated.” I ran my fingers over his lips. “I see now what you meant by a taste.” I just laid there and basked in the sensations. He let my hand go, and slowly slid his hand up my side, until he was cupping my breast. His fingertip played lightly with my nipple, coaxing it into erection. I gasped lightly at this new sensation. I was learning a lot this night. He kissed down my jaw, over my neck and onto my breasts, where he took turns gently teasing them with teeth and tongue, driving me to utter frustration.
I slid my hand over his chest, and returned the favor, eliciting more than a few squirms myself. It seemed this was a game two could play. Good. My hand moved ever so slowly downward, until I found him, aroused and eager. With nothing to go on but instinct, I wrapped my hand around his shaft and lightly caressed it, up and down. I could hear his groans even as he suckled at my breast. I didn’t want to wait any longer.
I pulled his head up and looked him in the eye so there would be no misunderstanding. “I want you. I want to feel you inside me.” He started to ask what I had no doubt was “are you sure?”, but I stopped him with one finger over his lips. “Please,” was all I had to say. He nodded once and simply said, “How?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. How many ways were there to do this? While I was tempted to tell him to give me a few examples to choose from, I settled on, “just something simple and natural. Isn’t there a… standard position?” He smiled and nodded, then moved himself atop me, propped up on hands and knees. As he maneuvered, I got my first look at his entire body. He was in shape, but not muscular; toned without being rippling the way Canderous or Carth were. Only a light covering of hair showed on his arms, legs, and chest. I could not say if he was particularly… gifted sexually as I have had nothing before or since to compare it to, and there was certainly no measurement tool handy. All that really matters is that at that moment, he looked beautiful. I know most men would dread to be called that, as opposed to handsome or athletic, but that is quite simply what he was to me that night: beautiful.
As he finally got himself in position, he lowered his head and we gave me another kiss. I could feel his length pressing into me, like a blind man feeling for the door panel. I reached down between us and helped guide him to the right spot. That act erased any doubts either of us had at what we about to do, and without breaking our embrace, he entered me.
It was quite painful at first, as I felt something break inside me. I felt like I was being impaled, and tears began to fill my eyes. He stopped and I could feel him pulling out, when I grabbed him roughly by the shoulder. “No. Just… please… go slowly. Give me time to adjust.” He seemed like he wanted to stop regardless, but he heeded my words. Instead, he just lowered his body gently atop mine and we kissed and hugged and as the minutes passed, the pain began to fade. I still felt full, but it was no longer such a scary sensation. I told him it was okay to continue.
He slowly pushed himself deeper. The discomfort returned, but not as sharp as it had been. I merely bit my lip, and soon our hips were pressed against each other, and I knew he had somehow gotten all of his length inside me. I let out the breath I had been holding, and tried to relax. I soon grew accustomed to this intruder, and told Veran he could continue.
He started moving his hips back and forth slowly, and I could feel him moving in and out of me. Each inward stroke brought a twinge of pain, but each one was a little less than the last. Before long, the world was starting to go white around me again, and I was encouraging my newfound lover to quicken his pace. Our bond opened wide for the first time, and our minds touched, completely unshielded. I could feel his love and his lust for me, as firmly entwined with each other as we were ourselves. He loved me, and he wanted me, as I did him. Soon I could no longer tell whose desires belonged to whom, and the dividing line between our spirits began to blur.
His passions washed over me and mixed with mine, and I have no doubt he felt the same. I gave into them without hesitation. I won’t repeat the things I was crying out here, merely that I wasn’t aware I could be so… boisterous. Perhaps, I’m not. Perhaps it was only a part of him that I was feeding off of. I remember biting into his neck, then making my way down to his shoulder. My hands were clawing at his back. I had never felt anything so wonderful and passionate and wild in all my life, and I never wanted it to end.
End it did, however. I have no idea how long we were going at it. I had felt myself lose control several times during our encounter, while Veran seemed to be insatiable. I learned later he was applying several Jedi body control techniques to keep his release from happening too soon. I doubt the Council would have been pleased to know how their teachings were being applied. I was finally beginning to tire, and my arms fell limp to the bed, my legs locked around his hips as he drove himself in and out of me. I felt Veran push himself up with his arms, his head thrown back and he made this most gratifying sound I have ever heard. He thrust against me so hard I was sure I would be bruised the next day. I could feel something hot filling me up between my legs, and I knew he had finally allowed himself the same release he had given me over and over again.
As these sensations cooled, he collapsed atop me, our hair matted down by sweat. The bond quieted down, and we were ourselves again. I gently rolled him off me, and we entwined ourselves together again side-by-side, though in a less intimate fashion. Neither of us had the strength to do more than smile. The last thing I remember was the two of us saying, “thank you” simultaneously, before we drifted off to sleep in each others arms.
I awoke the next morning, and looked over at Veran As the events of last night returned to me, the ramifications of everything we had done hit me. Not the possibility of pregnancy; certain body control techniques could be used to prevent that when necessary. The Council was quite adamant in its stance against emotional relationships. If they were to learn of this, we would both be censured, and assigned to different enclaves. They would do everything in their power to separate us. The last evening was magnificent, but I knew it could not happen again.
The thought of being forcibly separated from him by the masters was too much to bear, as was the thought of their disapproval of what I had allowed, no encouraged, to take place. I had to end this myself and just walk away as I had tried to last night before I let things get out of hand. He would perhaps hate me for it, but it was better this way. I gently untangled myself from him, and looked about for my clothes.
Veran awoke as I was zipping my dueling leathers back up. “Bastila? What’s going on?” He sat up in the bunk, the sheet barely covering his legs. I refused to look at him. I had given into my desires too easily, and I would not risk succumbing again. I moved towards the door to leave. “We shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong. Jedi are not allowed to fall in love.”
Veran just looked over to me, the hurt and disillusionment dripping from his every word. “It didn’t feel wrong to me.”
“It was a moment of weakness… when I kissed you…” No, I must not dwell on what happened. “We shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I know we both wanted it, but we shouldn’t have given in to our desire. We’re Jedi! We can’t act like this, not while we still have to deal with Malak. I’m… I’m sorry. I don’t blame you. It was… wonderful. We just… can’t.”
And with that, I turned and fled the ship, but as quickly as I hurried back to the hotel and the privacy of my room, I found I could not escape the memory of the two of us holding each other, and opening ourselves to completely to the other. Before I locked the bond down, I could feel a brief swell of anger from the other end, and I felt the sting of pain my hands as he began punching the bulkhead. I put the walls back around that tether and congratulated myself on making the right, if painful, decision.
I spent
the next day avoiding him, choosing instead to spend my time with Juhani and
Jolee, or even Canderous and HK-47, anything to keep from being alone with
Veran. They all knew something was
up, because every time Veran came around, I became cold and distant.
Juhani knew better than to ask, and Jolee only tried once to “help”,
as did
Later that day, we received our authorization to leave. It was a relief to be on our way again. With only one Star Map left, I could look forward to returning to Dantooine and getting the master’s help in finally severing this bond. Yet, as we left behind the serene world where I had allowed myself to taste my own forbidden desires against all my teachings, I found that the thought gave me little comfort. Little did I know what was about to happen.
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